I was never satisfy with who I am. I couldn't admit who I am. I couldn't accept that I am weak. I couldn't do what I wanted to. I couldn't travel as far as I wanted to. I spelled these curses to myself just for torturing my soul. I judged myself for not being a good person. These curses had put me in the ring of fire. I was suffered everytimes I did something bad and I never let it go easily because I wanted to be good person (in others eyes). THAT WAS MY PROBLEM. I judged myself too harsh. I drew a line for everything I did and I usually couldn't follow it. When I broke the line, I felt guity. I couldn't admit everybody can make mistake including me. I forgive others so easily but not to myself. WHY!!! BECAUSE I NEVER SATISFY WITH WHO I AM AND I NEVER LEARN TO DEAL WITH THE TRUTH!!! The truth that nobody is perfect!
Not long ago, I went to the worst peroid of my life. When you reached the lowest point. It was like when you are drowing, you would do anything to lift your head above water. I realized it was time to change my attitude toward myself and others. I CHOSE TO BE ME! no matter how bad I am, how many more mistakes I will make, I will live with it! I chose to be happy. I CHOSE TO BE IN HEAVEN.
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3 comments:
Let me say that. !! You will never be able to completely change your attitude about yourself !! It will be possible only if you get a very strong impact from someone or some situation!!I tried. But people like you and me were taught to RESPECT, to SOFT, to AGREE with others including not to make them lose their face.(although you are arguing inside or wanna tear his/her face apart due to their behavior). Whenever you make a LITTLE aggressive to show REAL YOU, you turn to be suffer. That s it!! If you start not to care much about what they say, gozzip bla bla bla.. Yesssss..!! WE R FREeeeeeeeee..
Noon, that is so true!!!!!! To argue with your moral is the hardest part. We let others ruled our life in order to satisfy them. We don't want to argue because we want to cut it short. And so many things we won't do in order to keep things in keel. We don't want to be perfectly good person but we don't want to be bad either.
I didn't know what "a self esteem" is until my american co-advisor talked to me in his office. "Tang, do you know what self esteem is. I asked him to spell the word and it's meaning. He said I won't tell you. You find it out and come back to tell me tomorrow. That is your homework tonight! I went back to the lab and checked in dictionary and edictionary. The next day I went to see him and we talk about the self esteem. He said it was a big broblem for most of Asean students, especially for Thai students. He said low in self esteem leads to an underestimation of ourselves and it is an obstacle to pursue a true happiness and success. Since then, I am trying to build my self-esteem. Even I didn't get it all but I respect more to myself. I have more courage to express who I am, though, I have to live with it's consequences. Of course, criticism and gossip they are. (90%gossip and 10% criticism) You know what I mean!
You are very lucky to have a real advisor....
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